Short Story: The Great Yaputcha, part one

Credits; Rea,
"They say there is a great beast who lurks in the caves."
"It has the ability to start fires with its mind, and can strike with swiftness like the raven."
"I hear it has poison scales and teeth like a kris."
"I've heard it eats dragons, and then picks it's teeth with basilisk teeth."
"And you've all heard right, which is why I am going to take you to meet with the elder of the tribe that dwells nearest to the caves of Argetiam.  He will tell you the way in which his ancestor slew one of the beasts many centuries ago."

Yuri knew that nothing was ever as it seemed with Professor Zinksfeld.  Especially not when she had full reign, an infinite budget, and a large number of willing volunteers.  Not that there was any real danger, word had it she'd released a demon that had been bound near the end of the last age and slain it, just because she wanted to see what sort of uses its corporeal form's organs and fluids would have.  And even if that story wasn't true he had personally watched her punch out a dragon, twice.  No one had ever died on her watch unless she killed them herself, so he felt rather safe in spite of the mysterious beast's legendary status. 
Nonetheless, it was still pretty scary.  Everyone was afraid, save himself, Professor Zinksfeld, and the new girl; who he only assumed wasn't afraid because she was quiet, had no perceivable indication of fear, and was reading a tabloid with the title 'new evidence shows that Emperor Altright keeps birds, official statement claims small, feathered, bipedal, beaked, flameless, herbivorous dragons'.  Anyone who'd read something like that in public without heckling it loudly must have nerves of Kraj, or blood stone, or whatever mysterious, black substance or substances Professor Zinksfeld had made her sword out of. 

"And blink, and here.  Swords away, this is going to be an eyes and ears exercise only today."
A small village surrounded them, canvas tents shaped like cones just outside of town, adobe houses shaped like cones around the central park, rubber orange cones shaped like cones on the streets, someone in this town had really liked cones. 
"Greetings, you have come to hear the Elder tell the tale?"
Professor Zinksfeld bowed to the newcomer, a tall, middle aged man wearing a very colorful and decorative cone.  "Yes, these are my students.  I want them to hear the tale so that they can learn from the lessons of your ancestors."
"And then they will perhaps stop in our gift shop?"
"Do you carry the reagents for teleportation?"
"Yes."
"Then yes, I'm sure they will."
"Follow me, I will show you to the elder."

They walked across the park, which Yuri noted as they crossed was round with the largest trees in the middle and the smallest on the edges.  Before them rose a very large cone, with many lashing lights and a sign reading 'Village Elder and other curiosities".  It came as no surprise when they found the elder sitting cross-legged on a mat in front of a large(and rather conical) statue.  The humming, combined with his minor levitation charm, gave the impression he was meditating; the picture-in-lens sunglasses and earbud headphones said otherwise. 
"ELDER!"
"What!"  The old man removed his earbuds and sunglasses and spun himself around to face them.  "OH!  Touris...pilgrims come to hear of our illustrious ancestor.  Sit, and I shall pass on the story of the great warrior."

Forty generations ago, there lived a young warrior.  He was ambitious, fast, strong, and good looking as all young warriors were in those days.  He travelled across the world, saving the weak and the poor from fates equal to or slightly less than death.  And all knew that he was good and strong.

One day, he came to this village.  Now the village had been beset for many years by a great beast that dwelled in the caves in the hills.  It would come in the night and take a sheep, unless a virgin, a girl between the ages of sixteen and twenty-two(blonde hair preferable), was offered to him on new year's day.  If she was offered than the flocks would be safe that year, but if she was not, or if she was deemed unsuitable, then the flocks would be devoured. 
The warrior, happened upon our village on new year's eve.  He saw the girl who was to be sacrificed and as their gaze met, and their eyes locked, they fell deeply in love.   On learning of her fate, he vowed to slay the beast and that for the price of her hand the village would never again fear the loss of their flocks. 

He went up into the hills that very hour.  Through the night the sound of his battle with the fearsome creature drove terror into the villagers hearts.  As the dawn broke they saw the shadow of the beast on the horizon, and they fled for their homes.  But lo!  The warrior bore it's carcass to the edge of town as proof that he had fulfilled his oath.  And on new year's day he married the maid and lived in the village from that time on, happy as can be. 

The whole class held still, disappointed by the lack of details on the fight itself.  They had come for a fairy tale story about a warrior helping a village?  What did this..
"Elder, perhaps you could tell my students how you fight the beast.  You seem to have left that bit out."
"On purpose, most people laugh and leave when I tell that bit."
Professor Zinksfeld leaned in, her eyes narrowing and her voice gaining a sharpness even demons would fear.  "I think you should tell them anyways, or else I might have to demonstrate the technique.  And my demonstrations have been known to...screw it."  She pressed her index finger to the bottom of his jaw and lifted him into the air.  "I can do this all day or you can spare the time to tell the tale properly, got it you finite being of conceivable and negligible power?"  The fabric of space seemed to run from her, several students..most of them actually fell over themselves trying to take cover.  Yuri didn't bother, he'd seen her do worse and she never hurt anyone by accident.
"Yes ma'am, I'll tell them,"
"Thank you."  Her voice softened in an instant, and the sudden containment of power caused everything to sort of bounce back into place.  The only damage done was mental. 

When the warrior returned, the villagers asked him how they too might defeat the beast.  He looked at them and said, and I swear I'm not kidding, 'to defeat the beast, you must put your right foot into the shadows of your cave.  Then you must take it out, or he will drag you in.  Then you must repeat it, and be prepared because he will cause your nerves to feel as though they are struck by lightening.  The feeling in your foot can be stopped by shaking it all about.  Incant the spell of destruction, the great Hokey-Pokey.  Then you must quickly turn yourself about, because the flash of light and roar of thunder as the spell impacts will blind and deafen you if you stare at it.  I did this several times, alternating feet, and using both feet even; so that my balance would remain even and no foot would be stronger than the other.  It took much time, for the beast's hide was as strong as its unwillingness to move.  But my blade would not dent its armor, and I know of no stronger spell.  Patience and precision, that's what it's all about.

"Hold on."  Masne, ever the voice of skepticism, spoke up.  "So you're telling us that the way to defeat the beast is, and correct me if I'm wrong; put your right foot in, take your right foot out, put your right foot in, and shake it all about.  Then do the Hokey-Pokey and turn yourself about?  That's what its all about?"
The Elder nodded, clearly to afraid of Professor Zinksfeld to lie or to avoid the question but nonetheless embarrassed and perturbed. 
"You have got to be kidding me.  Professor, this is clearly just a scam."
"Oh really?  Well then, why don't you just head up to the cave and find out for yourself."
"It's a sham, there's no beast, there's no monster, there's probably not even caves."
"That'd be a shame, I'd hate for you to have to spend the whole day in the gift shop.  Toodles!"
Professor Zinksfeld held up her hand and flicked it to one side just as she vanished in a small puff of white smoke.